The Year In Review 2007!

So it is the end of yet another year and this one flew by so fast for me! In my eyes it is really good that it flew by seeing as this was ot the best year I've had to date. I'm not complaining at all my life thus far has been pretty awsome. I've lived a pretty cushy life and have had good trials that I've learned and grown from and none that were to painful even. My life however I have discovered is really boring considering how busy it seems to be. So being that is I will be mixing my year in review with some celebrity news to make mine seem better.

My year started off with a "disapointment" I quote this because I got to move back to Salt Lake because of it! I finally was able to get the hell out of utah Valley which it was about time! So I would say my high point of the year was that I got to move back home! i got a new job at a law firm which always sounds more exciting then "I waitress at..". I got a promotion at my new job and took my bosses job that I wasn't even qualified for but I learned and proved myself to get it. I had an awsome halloween costume this year and it was so good that I won a trip to Vegas in it! Another reason to be greatful for my boobs I suppose. I met someone fantastic which is always a plus to life! I got yet another job as a Kareoke DJ Wednesday nights at the Canyon Inn which is a crazy fun time. I finally became the owner of an IPOD thanks to the boy and I finally gave into the Vampire books and I love them! But really my highlight would have to be my horse that I bought in January! His name is Simon and he is my lover!

Like I said not to much going on so I'd like to thank the following people for giving me an exciting year.

1. Britney Spears- thank you for shaving your head and being an unfit mother. Thank you for making my driving record look really good, making me feel like even I could perform at the VMA'S.

2. Jamie Lynn Spears- thank you for taking one for the team and getteing pregnant at 16 so I don't ahve to see your sister on the tabloids this week.

3. Spice Girls- I'll tell you what I want what I really really want is to thank you sisters for reuniting. I've never wanted to reform my Spice Girls club so badly!

4. Jessica Simpson- Thank you for making me feel like a really good actress and making my relationships extremly stable.

5. Posh & Becks- thank you for coming to the U.S and sharing some of Britans royal family with us Americans.

6. Hannah Montana & High School Musical- Thank you for giving the teenie boppers something to obcess over besidesw myself.

7. The Hills- Thank you LC for having a really interesting life so I can forget that my life is so not as cool as yours.

Now for my list of best Television 2007-

The Office

The Amazing Race

The Hills

Shot at Love with Tila Tequila

Desperate HouseWives

Scrubs

Greys Anatomy

CSI: Miami

Shark

House

Las Vegas

Best Movies 2007-

Waitress

Hairspray

Across the Universe

Sweeny Todd the demond barber of fleet street

Enchanted

Alpha Dog

Smokin Aces

Breach

300

Live Free or Die Hard

Disturbia

Hot Fuzz

Knocked Up

Super Bad

3:10 to Yuma

Lars and the Real Girl

Dan in Real Life

August Rush

So I guess all in all it was a good year lets see what 2008 will bring to the table.

Pass(literally) the Turkey?

All right so I fear this is going to turn into an "Anne on her high horse", "grind my gears" blog but I have no choice because this is a matter far more important then any school vouture form you can through at the feet of the justice system! So there I was driving in my car relaxing to a little FM 100 getting my butt heated by my fancy seats, when I decided to change the channel to see what Kosy 106.5 was playing(yes I do listen to old lady stations) and that is when I almost swerved into a semi truck for the atrocity that was coming out of my speakers. Now first of all I have nothing against The Little Drummer Boy, however I have not even made a dent in this years Halloween candy and have even started basting the turkey for Thanksgiving and stores and radio stations are already getting into the Christmas Spirit! This has caused me to wonder what would happen if we were this lax in skipping over other holidays?

New Years- If we skipped straight to Valentines day would any of us remember to change the date on the checks we are writing? On a high note though maybe the men in our lives would actually remember to buy us presents because they had more time to do so...... That's funny.

Valentines- What would happen to our Valentines boxes we make at school so we can find out if jimmy checks yes or no on my "do you have a crush on me?" care bears Valentine card? The high point of this though would be all the Valentine less people of the world wouldn't have to wallow in self pity and pop Prozac when they realize another years has come and gone without finding their eternal companion.

St. Patricks day- I honestly can't think of anything witty to say about skipping this one. A. I don't enjoy being pinched all day and B. I really don't like the color green to bad it looks fantastic on me (as do most colors)

Easter- This one is easy. Jesus would be offended and when he's offended bad things happen. Maybe if we skipped it he would get angry and burn Provo to the ground? If only I could be so lucky!

June 27- Hello it's my birthday which is the best holiday of the whole freaking year because it celebrates yours truly I don't think I have to worry because I am loved by all that's just crazy talk thinking someone would forget me.

Fourth of July- Wyoming might go bankrupt because without us Utahans going up to purchase illegal fireworks the states number one industry would go under. Wait what is so important about Wyoming anyway?

Halloween- If we skip Halloween kids will lose their imaginations and then Christmas will die because no one will believe in Santa anymore.

If you are retarded and only care about Christmas then fine go ahead and play your stupid Christmas music all year round but remember Jesus wont be happy about it.

On The Down Low...

Alright so I was recently reading an article from the bible (a.k.a Cosmopolitan) and I stumbled over a little ditty in the Man Manual about the dirty little secrets men keep. This sparked my fancy because I thought that woman were the only ones who kept secrets not the other way around! I'm glad to say that even after reading this article woman still have better secret single lives then men do. Man secrets are like the secrets us woman were telling on the playground in preschool. I think its about time that men realize that they will never be able to "one-up" a woman.

So the first confession just proves even further that men truly are big sicks, which is no surprise because we've known it all along. Dwesil* who's name has been changed for this blog confessed that men really do Masturbate (yes Layne I am laughing even writing that word) a lot. The whole article talks about how it is pk that men do this because it is a stress reliever. C'MON
BOYS. Have you ever heard of going for a run? There are much more tasteful ways to relax that are wholesome and a lot less messy. I wish this secret would have remained a secret. But I guess that is what I get for buying a magazine that some grocery stores hide behind the plastic like a Play Boy.

Second confession- Guys Like Chick Flicks. I am so happy to hear this because I have been gutting through horror movies that make me not be able to sleep at night all for a date who turns out would have been more then happy with watching Pretty in Pink. My co-worker Juan*(changed for the blog) said, " Chick flicks are funny and enjoyable, but really the movies we enjoy are hidden chick flicks. These movies have beer , swearing, and boobs in the, yet at the end there is still a happy ending so everyone winds up satisfied. This confession made me mad at boys I have dated in the past who have made me sit through the bloody violent scary movie at the movie theater because they didn't want to go see the latest Kate Hudson, or Matthew McConaughey flick. Jerks.

Confession number three- Men are stalkers. I don't know which male decided that this would be a good idea to admit to but he was a moron. So ladies we have to be even more sneaky cause it turns out men google,mspace,facebook us. Benny* says that they do this so they can take us out on good dates and find out our likes and dislikes, but this is still CREEPY! Whatever happened to asking a girl whether she prefers daisies to roses? I think this is really to get the dirt on us and spy. Now we are really on to you men!

Last confession- Men have fat days. So I guess that every once in awhile men feel fat and bloated and have low self esteem about there looks. I believe this could be true however I see a lot of ill fitting clothes on men. And last time I asked I checked no man will give up wearing shorts because he has bad legs. Also when I go to the water park I see a lot more girls with towels and t-shirts covering there pooch then men who to me seem to let it all hang out.

I hope to never see an aticle like this against woman in Men's Health. Unfortunatly for men it would take alot bigger article then a one page spread to tap into the female mind and figure out what she is thinking. I have been a girl for 21 years now and I still have no idea what the deall with woman is. So good luck.

Boys Please!

So not to toot my own horn but BEEP BEEP! Before I dive into the subject of this blog I must say that you are reading the blog of Employee of the Month at PB&L law firm. You should feel special for reading the blog of the recipient of a special P1 parking spot, fifty dollars cash, free lunch, and my personal favorite, an awesome employee of the month plaque that will hang at my desk no matter how successful I get. Even though I already have these great prizes for my brown nosing skills I would still love to hear a congratulations or more from anyone who calls themselves my friend.

So now onto the actual blog. You will all think I am totally bragging about my life but hey everyone deserves to brag everyonce in awhile. My bragging right of the week is that I just bought a new car! Before I tell you about my "Schven" as I call him I must start out by saying that I am not a lesbian. I am in fact straight as an arrow. I say this because my new car is a Subaru OutBack, which I have learned is the Lesbian car of America after some tennis player came out of the closet and the only sponsor that remained true to her was Subaru, causing all the lesbians of the world to go out and buy outbacks to support their gay rights. I have absolutely nothing against the homosexuals of the world in fact most of my best friends are gay men and I like to think that I am in fact a gay man in a woman's body. However my concern now is how on earth I am going to land a date if those I come in contact with judge me by my car and start trying to hook me up with their great independent lady friends! So those of you reading this blog please start to inform the world of my sexual status and let them know that I love my car no matter how it makes me look I think it is great and I chose it for a reason! Besides I find Subies to be very cute reliable little cars, not so much butch.

So now I will tell you about "Schven". He is a 2000 white Subaru outback 5 speed, with two sun roofs, six cd changer, heated leather seats, and all wheel drive. I named him "Schven" because he seems like an outdoorsy Icelandic man to me. My last car was a red sports car but had lots of miles so I named her Blanche in honor fo Blanche from the Golden Girls, and before Blanche I had a 4-runner named Mcswiggen, I don't really know how he received that name. "Schven" and I are going to doing such things as ice fishing and rock climbing together just because I feel as if I woe it to him for beings such a good little Japanese import.

In Lieu of Flowers

Well this is tough for me to say but I suppose the best way is to not stall any longer and just tell you the good or bad news depending on your view point... I am dying. I am sure this is tough news for everyone to handle and let me tell you it was quite the shock to me as well, however I have come to grips with my fate and I am okay with it. Please don't think you have to treat me any differently then you already do. Also please no questions about how I feel about death, I just want to enjoy my final time on earth without the memory of my impending doom.

I am sure that you are wondering what I am dying from. I have West Nile. You see the other day I was letting one of God's creatures have a little Bloody Mary from my arm. I figured letting him quench his thirst would only cause me a little itchy discomfort. If only I would have known what a fatal decision that would turn out to be. I have had a headache as big as Kanye West's ego for about four days now, which I just assumed was based on caffeine or lack of circulation. But this morning an article on KSL rocked my world.

"West Nile confirmed cases rises by five today." Just out of curiosity I wondered what the symptoms of West Nile were. I figured being well informed on random information could never hurt if I were to happen to appear on Jeopardy sometime in my life. I mean come on would like to be embarrassed in front of Alex? The symptoms made my blood run cold

1. Headaches

2. Tiredness

3. Soar muscles

4. Fever

5. Paralysis

So here I am reading this with a headache that is going on day four! Today I totally could not get out of bed. And you guessed it my muscles are so sore that I don't believe a Swedish 300lbs. masseuse could fix me. I just asked my co-worker and she says I definitely look and feel like I have a fever of 102. Any second now I am expecting to drop to the floor completely unable to move my limbs.

Like I said before though don't worry about me. I am feeling only slight discomfort. I would now like to bid thee all farewell. To make funeral arrangements easier on my mother I would like to be either buried in a pine box or cremated and spread in the woods so I can give back to nature. Also no need to worry about my money, ironically today my employer had me fill out my life insurance policy. I have also composed my own obituary again to make it easier on my family, giving them another thing off their funeral list. Really all that is needed now is someone to bring the funeral potatoes.

ANNE MANGUM

(insert photo of choice)*

Anne Mangum passed away on mm/dd/yyyy from the awful disease, West Nile. She was adamant on letting the people of Utah know how she died so they may be less laid back about the disease and protect themselves better. Anne was a brilliant young woman who enjoyed such things as sun bathing on the lawn and picking daisies in the mountains. She was often caught singing in her car into an imaginary microphone or whistling a merry tune as she walked. She enjoyed eating Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and McDonald's 99 cent ice cream. Anne was survived by -(enter who would like to be mentioned for there ten minutes of fame here) Funeral services will be held- ( enter information) In lieu of flowers we ask all mourners to wear and bring insect repellent to be sprayed at the end of the services.

*(please only a good one from the chest up I would like to be remembered without a muffin top)

"You are very nice, now here is your ticket."

Alright, so yesterday I am driving down Wasatch Blvd right around Pepper Wood street in Sandy. For those of you who have ever been up there you know about the HUGE white house up on the bench that looks like Daddy Warbucks lives there. Anyway here I am driving along and I notice a Police car sitting in the parking lot of a church. I instinctively applied my breaks and looked down at my speedometer. To my relief I had been cruising at a smooth 39 miles an hour. As I pass by him I notice his lights turn on and the car begin to pull out. "Ha," I thought, " Some poor law breaker is about to get owned!" Well turns out that criminal was me. "Are my plates expired or something?' I could not honestly think of why I was getting pulled over, maybe there was a car that looked like mine that had some kind of warrant out for it. I mean really I wasn't going to fast. Fast foward to the cop and my conversation.

" Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"
(First of all do I look old enough to be called Ma'am?)

"No Sir I do not."

" Ma'am are you aware of the speed limit on this road?"
(There he goes calling me that again. I quickly glance in my mirror for wrinkles)

" Yes, the speed limit is 35mph."

" Do you know how fast you were going when I pulled you over Ma'am."
(Freak give me whatever ticket you want just stop calling me that!)

" Why I believe I was going about 38-39mph."

" Actually you were going 40mph"

" Was I? Well thank you for bringing that to my attention."

" Ma'am I must say you are a very nice person."
( If I'm in fact so nice why do you keep punishing me?)

" Well thank you very much officer."

" It is refreshing to pull over someone who doesn't fight or cry to get out of trouble."

" Well if I was in fact breaking the law then there is no reason to try and argue my way out."

" If you wouldn't mind me seeing your license we can get you on your way shortly, hang tight."


He walks back to his car and I think, " I am for sure not getting a ticket, he thought I was nice and might I add refreshing."


" Alright Ma'am if you will just sign here stating that you agree to call the court and pay your
fine we can send you on your way."


Can you really believe that guy! He gives me a ticket for going five over after complimenting me! I mean seriously did he not read my blog on my celebrity status? I have I already so quickly fallen to the "C" list? Was I not showing enough cleavage? This is a downer on my confidence, I mean I know men who get out of tickets. Maybe that is it... Cops are playing for the opposite team ( if you get what I'm saying) or maybe it is and example thing. Paris Hilton had to got to jail for a month so her fans wouldn't think that just because your beautiful and famous you can get away with breaking the law. Maybe this guy really did know who I was and felt the need to make an example of me for the good of my teeny bopper fan club. In that case he could have just said so, if not for any other reason then staying of the hit list that is my blog. Let's hope that he is not just an over active "new guy" trying to fill his quota for the day. I f so may God have mercy on his soul.

Excuse me, You stink.

So I have found myself pondering about what to blog on for about three weeks and I have been drawing blank after blank. I was wandering through the blogspot land trying to get inspired by someone elses life. I soon discovered that I have to write my own story and through my daily ritual something had to come along that would be interesting enough to blog about. That hot gossip came today....

To start this off properly I must give a back story. My birthday is June 27. This particular birthday brought on a new era of my life, I turned twenty one which means along with the whole liquor thing I got to go get a new drivers license! Well for most people this would be something very exciting and they would probably not let there license be expired for two months to the day like I did. Today I finally got so sick of my mother nagging at me that I decided to bite the bullet and "get er' done". If I had only known what a good blog opportunity this would turn out to be I probably would have not stalled nearly as long.

So I drive to the address of 799 N. & Redwood Rd. to find The Drivers License Office in the same parking lot as Save-On Groceries, Dollar Tree, and right next door ? You guessed it Gen-X clothing. As i walked through the doors I realized that everyone there had taken a special shopping trip to Gen-X for that perfect license photo outfit. (the license picture is key in getting pulled over and getting out a ticket, this making shirt choice very important) Tube tops in retina burning shades for the ladies 200+ lbs. for the ladies, and camo wife beaters for the fellas with juiced up biceps are very in this season for those of you wondering. Damn my business lady attire! At the main desk I get my paper work and a number. I am number A109, they are currently on F354. Does this mean I have to wait for the alphabet to get back to the start? So the mullet haired lady tells me to take the open seat on the back row next to the "homeless looking man"( hey I didn't say it she did!) until my number is called.

Here my friends is where the true story begins. So this man that I must sit by looks and smells like he has not showered in years! I mean honestly he had to have been able to smell himself! And therefore should have had the courtesy of wearing a sign that read, "Distance please. Your nasal hairs are in danger!" I mean that would have been the Christian thing to do! But no! I get to sit there next to the smelliest man I have ever encountered and let my nasal passage gag! My eyes begin to water, great now I am going to look like Alice Cooper in my picture. No tube top and now "Be my Frankenstein" eyes. This guy really put a damper on my life.

So what if he really couldn't smell himself? Wouldn't whomever he lives with let him know that he smells like a 50 year old bowling shoe never worn with socks? OK then the other question arises. What if nobody lives with him? ( not surprising with that stench cloud of his) Am I now obligated to tell him about his stinkyness? And if so how do I tactfully say that to a stranger. Tell me what you think of these ways. Polite- " Pardon me Mr. Homeless? Your aroma is a little ripe. Would you mind bathing sometime this year?" Less Polite- "Excuse me, you stink." Humorous- "Is your deodorant running? Well you better go catch it!" Sneaky- " Do you smell something awful? I really hope that is not me." I am sure there are more ways out there.

I don't know about you but if I smelled even a little bit... "off" I would appreciate if I were informed. So next time you see me go ahead and lift my arm and sniff right in the pit. I wont even think you are weird. I will know you are just being good neighbor, trying to keep global warming at bay.

Calling All Cardigans

There is the saying that looks can be decieving and I am here to say that infact they are. I am going to use the example of myself for this blog. Now if I were not terrified of rapists, internet stalkers and other forms of scary bad men I would put a picture of myself to help with my point in this blog. So picture a blonde 21 year old girl. ( I guess I could gloat and tell you how gorgeous and tall and lean I am with a good figure and striking features with thick full hair and smokey grey eyes with totally kissable lips, but I am not looking for that kind of publicicty at the moment. Hence another reason that my picture is not up on any of my blogs) Back to the issue at hand, the other night I was out with my man freind playing a rousing game of Dominoes with his forty year old brother and sister. My man friend is 27 and like I said I am 21. (I'm thinking we need to be on a pop culture team because we span 20 years of great entertainment history) So this game of Dominoes was the true virsion not the Mexican Chicken foot way that I believe was invented to turn possible adoring Dominoes fans against the game. Around the fourth round of team Harold against the Oldies I relized that I am a grandma trapped in a 1986'rs body! I mean here I am sitting in my designer jeans and shoes playing Dominoes and I realize that this is all wrong! With the way I enjoy things like Dominoes, Bingo, Prune Juice, Knitting, Water Aerobics, Sunday Specials at IHOP, Watching the Golden Girls, Lazy Boy Recliners, Reading the Obituaries, Orange Lipstick, AMC Television, Walking Up Hill Both Ways from School, Bridge, Watching the Price is Right, Rice Pudding, and other such activities, I am wearign the wrong clothes! My Nine West pumps need to be traded in for orthopedic penny loafers, Juicy Couture jeans to become highwaist elastic pants, and my Michael Starrs top for you guessed it a cardigan sweater. I must say that I am not ashamed of my identity crisis. In fact realizing you may be 80 is quite the relief! I know longer have to worry about choosing the wrong man to spend the rest of my life with because whom ever I choose should be pushing up daisies fairly soon. Also I am old enough to legally be "ok" being a little bit crazy. Everyone expects old people to have lost their lid and say outlandish things, like telling teenage girls exactly how you feel about there "floosie ways of dressing". Now the question falls of, " How do I make my outer appearance match that of my soul?" The clothes I suppose is a good start but not near good enough. I will have to bask in the bulbs of tanning bed heaven for that perfect leather skin, paint my eye brows on in an odd shade of blue, and get my hair washed and permed once a week. Do not be alarmed when you see me selling something on QVC, I am just accepting the fact that I am the way I am. Who knows maybe I will even change my name to Maude.

THANK YOU SANDRA

So to look at the face of this woman you would think she is harmless. Well my dear friends in particular men who are reading this, this woman may just be your worste enemy. Sandra Brown is a New York Times best selling author of thrillers and romance novels. I am going to be discussing the romance novels.



Sandra writes the kind of novel that is racey enough that you really don't want your mother to know that you are reading. There has been more then one occasion while reading Sandra Brown "sexy party" scenes where I find my covers off, the windows being opened and finally resulting in a cold shower just to cool my jets! I am not here to talk sex unfortunatly. (nottoday atleast)



What men should fear is that this red haired lady is totally ruining their game with the ladies! You see the characters in Sandra's novels are full of scared timid yet strong women, that find themselves fighting hard not to fall for beautiful looking men. It is not the mens described looks that is the bad part. The men in these novels pursue the women they love. From the moment they see the woman that they are attracted to they do not give up until the ice queens hearts have melted and they have them in bed! (do keep in mind they are looking for more then sex however) In my brief time back on the dating market I have found that men are complete girls! They expect you to pursue them if you desire them in anyway, the expect you to make the first move when it comes to anything physical, while they just seem to turn off and stare at the screen of the television. This whole "is he or isn't he into me" mind game is enough to make me glad I am not attached and hope I never have to be again. I left high school four years ago and that is also where I left the "do you like me? circle yes or no" notes. Thanks to Sandra Brown I now have the desire to wait for a guy who truely is interested in me to come along. I figure if they are intersested they will make the moves and not want to put me through the hell that is the mind games and drama! Plus after ten chapters of supressing their desire they make "whoopie" that makes the reader sweat! I mean who wouldn't wait just for the perk of that?

So to all the men out there I would strongly suggest picking up your game. If you need some help go to the local Barnes & Noble and pick up a sandra Brown novel to find out what us women want in a man. I would hurry before more women discover her and your chances are shot to hell!

My loverly lady lumps

So I had a recent discovery the other day as I was strolling through the packed isles of the Nordstrom Rack. Through the sound of screaming children and the hustle of crazed woman trying to find those "instant tummy tuck jeans" I saw them like a beacon from the skies above..... Could I be imagining this? TRUE RELIGION JEANS? I raced to the fitting room and yes my dear friends they fit perfectly! How could I afford not to by them?

The next day I slipped into those beautiful things from heaven and noticed the very thing I am blogging about today. Donny may be a little bit rock and roll and Marie may be a little bit country, but I was a little bit gangsta! The evidence of this lies in the wise words of Stacy "Fergie" Ferguson in the smooth lyrics of "My Humps". I will now break down a line from this song to fully explain what I am trying to get across. " Seven Jeans, True Religion I say no, but they keep giving." To the untrained ear you may think this is a pimp supplying his woman with nice jeans, however now being the proud owner of both Seven Jeans and now True Religion jeans I know what Fergie means. You see though having pants I do not have what the call on the streets a, "Sugar Daddy" topurchase me designer duds. I do believe that these lyrics are meaning your bum. Yes Your bum keeps "giving" an amazing performance in these expensive jeans! There is no pimp here my dear people! I already can feel my curves becoming curvier and my walk having a little more of a dip in it! Before I know it I'll have to start wearing pimp chains and saying things like, "Oh no you better don't!" while snapping my fingers across my body. If you don't recognize me on the street in passing anymore don't feel bad. Just blame it on myTrue Religion jeans.

So now that I have found this discovery do you think I can get away with calling my self "Fergalicious"?

Guilty Pleasure

I was recently cruising the old blog spot.com and I started to realize something about most all blogs. I realized that everyone is writing about things they like of dislike, hobbies, favorite movies, foods, and which family members they secretly find attractive(I will assume this blog is from the southern states). I found myself reading through my posts and thought "Good golly!" I am so sorry to my readers(all 2 of them) that they are reading a blog and not even beggining to see what Annie up is really all about! So I would like to take this time to blog about my guilty pleasures so the American people can finally have a glimpse at my soul. Who knows maybe we will find that we have things in common, and maybe if I were looking we would realize we are in fact...dare I say it?...SOUL MATES!




Well first and formost I love "CHICKLIT". To help you non girls out there "CHICKLIT" are Novels out there for the female sex to read. These books contain high profile characters who usually lead fantasy lives. Ex: In Candace Bushnell's new book Trading Up, we follow the glamorous life of Janey Wilcox a Victoria Secret model trying to marry the right millionare and try to live a life in the upper east side of Manhattan walking around in $50,000 pearls and Burberry boots. I am sure you can see why this is so fabulous for most people. However for the big sicks in the world I will also have you know that there are some....sexual scenes. Yes "CHICKLIT" is full of little fantasy scenes that are juicy enough to call for a cold shower after the chapter ends. So "CHICKLIT" we salute you, your hot scenes, and excellent taste in designer fashion.



Now speaking of designer fashion I do have a guilty shoe pleasure. Sprouting from this addiction I have almost entirely given up going to the animal shelter and letting the dogs out of their cages. I now find my way to the closest Designer Shoe Warehouse and give the shoes the chance to get out of the box and go for a stroll down the catwalk most call the aisle. I am very happy that I have such a kind heart because everyonce in a while I will even take a few pairs home and let them sleep in my nice cozy cedar chest.(yes my shoes sleep in cedar, don't judge them because they are beautiful) I will even let my pride down and say I tear up when ever I enter the old DSW. Thank you designer shoes for always looking fabulous no matter how uncomfortable you may be!



Earlier on I mentioned Candace Bushnell now this is a guilty pleasure genius for she created the most fantastic book that turned into the most fantastic series! We must give her a pat on the back for giving us Carrie Bradshaw, Samantha Jones, Charlotte York, and Miranda Hobbs. These are my girls from Sex and the City. Oh how much I love that show! Where else can I dream that a writer really could afford a nice apartment and have $40,000 worth of Manolo Blahnik shoes? I have to thank you Sex and the City for giving me much needed advice in fashion, sex, and men. And congratulations on being almost as fabulous as The Golden Girls!



Oh The Golden Girls... When a stranger asks me in passing on the streets,"What would you like to be when you grow up young lady?" I easily reply,"Well kind sir, I would love to be the perfect blend of Dorthy Zbornack, Sophia Patrillo, Rose Nylen, and Blanche Devereaux." The most beauticul cocktail of older ladies I know are The Golden Girls. They teach me such wonderful life lessons and wonderful things like great combacks! In season 3 the girls sing about Miami and how stylish it is to live there, well I say Golden Girls, Golden Girls you've got style! Grey hairs, age spots and wrinkls by the mile! Oh I cannot wait to be old so lets all go to the tanning bed to help get us to that golden age faster!



Now my last guilty pleasure is possible because of one very good man friend of mine. My newest guilty pleasure is listening to the arm chilling, relaxing, smooth as butter vocals, and earth rotating lyrics of Lyle Lovett. If you are reading this and have never heard Lyle before, I recommend you buy a cd and let him serinade you immediatly! Your well being is at stake here people! So thank you HB for introducing me to my new friend Lyle, if I had a boat I'd take you HB on the ocean and if I had a pony I's let you ride it on my boat. And to you Lyle... thank you we "Lovett"!

REPUBLICAN ASSAULT VEHICLE

So it has recently come to my attention that I will never be able to drive a mini van. You see as a was pulling on to Wasatch blvd. today I found myself behind a Chrysler Minivan. The speed limit is fifty miles an hour on this street for those of you who do not know. Yet you see I had time to investigate this particular mini van as it was cruising at a whopping thirty five miles an hour. This minivan happened to be white whiched help me realize the stickers on the trunk. the first was bright yellow in the shape of a ribbon and said, " Suppot our Troops". The next was also a ribbon in red, white, and blue. This one said, " God Bless America". the third sticker was different it read, " Proud of my Eagle Scout", and the final next to it said," Proud of my honor student". That is when I realized I had Republicans ahead of me! (In my opinion this is worse then the elderly being able to drive). After this I started noticing that every Mini van I encountered had some kind of sticker supporting the war in Iraq. Do you think that maybe possibly when you buy a mini van from the local used car sales man the company has you sign not only a bill of sale but also cuts your finger and makes you sign in blood that you will now vote for the elephant party? And maybe even the stickers come on the car at the time of purchase? What are myself and fellow Jackasses to do? I suppose that through this recent discovery I cannot have kids. That is it I am so on to those Republicans! They want to end the race of blue blooded Americans! They all got together and decided to stop Democrat breeding by putting support Bush stickers and pro War mementos on the vans! I've heard politicians were sneaky but I mean come on! That is pushing it a little to far I do think. So what are the Democrats going to do to get back at them....... Perhaps putting at home abortion kits in all Hybrid cars? Or how about a gay marriage license in the owners manual of gas efficient cars? I will have to get in touch with Obama and Hillary to discuss this further. I'll let you know on the result ASAP so we can start mating again.

YOUR A GREAT AMERICAN!

So I doubt this is going to be a very long post however there is an important matter at hand. For those of you in denial and who don't own a mirror let me help you out on something..... Americans are fatties! What I find funny is how the Americans who realize they have some junk in the trunk are "trying" to fight the battle of the bulge.

#1 DIET-

These days everywhere claims to let you eat cheap and diet. For example Mcdonalds

has "delicious", "healthy" salad which I'm sure with the 1000 calorie dressing is a

perfect meal for the hopefull weight loser.

#2 EXERCISE-

So now it is story time. The other day I was on my way to the gym when I noticed

about five cars driving around looking for a close parking spot, when there were plenty

of spots in the back of the lot. That's when it hit me like the brick hits Marv in Home

Alone 2, PEOPLE YOU ARE AT THE GYM ARE YOU JOKING! I don't get it. Correct

me if I am mistaken but wouldn't walking from the back of the lot just be helping in

the wieght loss. Also I am stunned to see escalators at the 24 hr Fitness.

Like I stated earlier short post but America the moral of this story is you are not only fat but lazy as well. And I hope you feel like a big idiot

I never imagined........

I must apologize for my next blog before I even start to write it. First and for most I am not a thirteen year old girl or a fifty year old big sick that stalks them on the inter web either(that is my goal in life.... jk) I will shamefully admit that I have been watching American Idol this season. American Idol and I had a small affair back in season 2 of the show, unfortunatly it broke my heart and took the pieces with it. You see that year Rueben Studdard beat Clay Aiken for the win. Now lets be honest here who had the better voice? Who has sold more records? The answer is Clay Aiken my friends he may not know his own sexual preference and may be a little akward to gaze upon but when you listen to a singer on the radio you can't see them anyway! Well after this upset I decided to ban American Idol and never watch it again, I hear I have not missed much. well this year I broke my promise and came out of hidding to watch the show this season. The season has lacked and been quite boring, filled with off tune boys with pony hawks and to many Justin Timberlake wanna bes to make me gag! Yet there was hope...... there was Melinda Doolittle! She was fantastic. Where every night the best performances were nothing compared to Melinda's vocals if she just stood and sang with out the antics. Sadly last night America (who is obviously tone deaf) voted her off and kept Blake Lewis who cannot carry a tune and messes up really good songs by beat boxing to them! So this blog is my public farewell once again to American Idol. When you decide to let talented people win let me know and we will try to work out our relationship.

Big Black Love

This title may come off a little appauling to some folks and I don't balme you! But I can promise you that this statement is far from racist! I am not refering to people fo color at all in this I promise on my mothers life ( and that is serious) This Big Black Lover is in fact my 7 yr old 18. hh Dutch Warmblood/Clydsdale horse named Simon. For those of you out there not knowing the horse lingo that means he is big about 6'4 at the back and could pull a beer wagon.( halloween is going to rock with that) So now that you do not think that I am a racist pig let me fill you in on why I am writing about him ( excuse me in advance if I blubber)

Well you see 2007 has been a rather interesting year for me. And even though I am really happy right now and could not be more pleased with my emotional state of mind, I must look back on the year and think I failed at quite a few things in my life. (to all of you that I have let down I am sorry) Anyway when life seems to bite me in the butt I always can go to my "boyfriend" and he will sit there and let me talk to him. I believe he is the perfect man because. A. He is extremly good looking. B. He is so big he is like my personal bouncer outside my night club of fun, and nobody will dare mess with me. C. He can't talk D. He is trained to stand still and do whatever I want E. The only thing he asks for in return are apples. (the real kind not the dirty kind that all other men ask for.... big sicks!) F. If he gets onmy nerves I just put him away in his stall and do whatever the hell I want with my time. I am sure all the ladies out there are so jealous because I have these traits in my man and they don't....idiots. I also forgot to mention that he has the biggest feet i've ever witnessed in my short years here.(you know what they say about men with big feet.

I do have to say that my favorite thing about him is not physical at all. Simon's best trait is that he will never let me down. He always puts me first and cares about me even when he all instincts are telling him to be a moron. I say jump and Simon literally says "how high?" I mean this is wonderful i have discovered that I never have to put up with dating and stupid boys always letting me down! And i don't have to worry about being treated like a pin cushion because Simon is a gelding which means sex means absolutely nothing to him! All you girls out there keep looking and I am sure you will find a perfect man and you can check off one thing from the Reasons Anne is so much cooler then I am list. But until then I will say the rumors are true about both men with big feet and black men.......... they have huge hearts. (what were you thinking you beastiality big sick!)