In Lieu of Flowers

Well this is tough for me to say but I suppose the best way is to not stall any longer and just tell you the good or bad news depending on your view point... I am dying. I am sure this is tough news for everyone to handle and let me tell you it was quite the shock to me as well, however I have come to grips with my fate and I am okay with it. Please don't think you have to treat me any differently then you already do. Also please no questions about how I feel about death, I just want to enjoy my final time on earth without the memory of my impending doom.

I am sure that you are wondering what I am dying from. I have West Nile. You see the other day I was letting one of God's creatures have a little Bloody Mary from my arm. I figured letting him quench his thirst would only cause me a little itchy discomfort. If only I would have known what a fatal decision that would turn out to be. I have had a headache as big as Kanye West's ego for about four days now, which I just assumed was based on caffeine or lack of circulation. But this morning an article on KSL rocked my world.

"West Nile confirmed cases rises by five today." Just out of curiosity I wondered what the symptoms of West Nile were. I figured being well informed on random information could never hurt if I were to happen to appear on Jeopardy sometime in my life. I mean come on would like to be embarrassed in front of Alex? The symptoms made my blood run cold

1. Headaches

2. Tiredness

3. Soar muscles

4. Fever

5. Paralysis

So here I am reading this with a headache that is going on day four! Today I totally could not get out of bed. And you guessed it my muscles are so sore that I don't believe a Swedish 300lbs. masseuse could fix me. I just asked my co-worker and she says I definitely look and feel like I have a fever of 102. Any second now I am expecting to drop to the floor completely unable to move my limbs.

Like I said before though don't worry about me. I am feeling only slight discomfort. I would now like to bid thee all farewell. To make funeral arrangements easier on my mother I would like to be either buried in a pine box or cremated and spread in the woods so I can give back to nature. Also no need to worry about my money, ironically today my employer had me fill out my life insurance policy. I have also composed my own obituary again to make it easier on my family, giving them another thing off their funeral list. Really all that is needed now is someone to bring the funeral potatoes.

ANNE MANGUM

(insert photo of choice)*

Anne Mangum passed away on mm/dd/yyyy from the awful disease, West Nile. She was adamant on letting the people of Utah know how she died so they may be less laid back about the disease and protect themselves better. Anne was a brilliant young woman who enjoyed such things as sun bathing on the lawn and picking daisies in the mountains. She was often caught singing in her car into an imaginary microphone or whistling a merry tune as she walked. She enjoyed eating Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and McDonald's 99 cent ice cream. Anne was survived by -(enter who would like to be mentioned for there ten minutes of fame here) Funeral services will be held- ( enter information) In lieu of flowers we ask all mourners to wear and bring insect repellent to be sprayed at the end of the services.

*(please only a good one from the chest up I would like to be remembered without a muffin top)

"You are very nice, now here is your ticket."

Alright, so yesterday I am driving down Wasatch Blvd right around Pepper Wood street in Sandy. For those of you who have ever been up there you know about the HUGE white house up on the bench that looks like Daddy Warbucks lives there. Anyway here I am driving along and I notice a Police car sitting in the parking lot of a church. I instinctively applied my breaks and looked down at my speedometer. To my relief I had been cruising at a smooth 39 miles an hour. As I pass by him I notice his lights turn on and the car begin to pull out. "Ha," I thought, " Some poor law breaker is about to get owned!" Well turns out that criminal was me. "Are my plates expired or something?' I could not honestly think of why I was getting pulled over, maybe there was a car that looked like mine that had some kind of warrant out for it. I mean really I wasn't going to fast. Fast foward to the cop and my conversation.

" Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"
(First of all do I look old enough to be called Ma'am?)

"No Sir I do not."

" Ma'am are you aware of the speed limit on this road?"
(There he goes calling me that again. I quickly glance in my mirror for wrinkles)

" Yes, the speed limit is 35mph."

" Do you know how fast you were going when I pulled you over Ma'am."
(Freak give me whatever ticket you want just stop calling me that!)

" Why I believe I was going about 38-39mph."

" Actually you were going 40mph"

" Was I? Well thank you for bringing that to my attention."

" Ma'am I must say you are a very nice person."
( If I'm in fact so nice why do you keep punishing me?)

" Well thank you very much officer."

" It is refreshing to pull over someone who doesn't fight or cry to get out of trouble."

" Well if I was in fact breaking the law then there is no reason to try and argue my way out."

" If you wouldn't mind me seeing your license we can get you on your way shortly, hang tight."


He walks back to his car and I think, " I am for sure not getting a ticket, he thought I was nice and might I add refreshing."


" Alright Ma'am if you will just sign here stating that you agree to call the court and pay your
fine we can send you on your way."


Can you really believe that guy! He gives me a ticket for going five over after complimenting me! I mean seriously did he not read my blog on my celebrity status? I have I already so quickly fallen to the "C" list? Was I not showing enough cleavage? This is a downer on my confidence, I mean I know men who get out of tickets. Maybe that is it... Cops are playing for the opposite team ( if you get what I'm saying) or maybe it is and example thing. Paris Hilton had to got to jail for a month so her fans wouldn't think that just because your beautiful and famous you can get away with breaking the law. Maybe this guy really did know who I was and felt the need to make an example of me for the good of my teeny bopper fan club. In that case he could have just said so, if not for any other reason then staying of the hit list that is my blog. Let's hope that he is not just an over active "new guy" trying to fill his quota for the day. I f so may God have mercy on his soul.