The Let Down and Purchase of the Century

All right so it has been awhile since I have blogged cry about it a little bit more brother. Well for those of you who have cared I am back with a blog that were I more creative could really be split into a lot of blogs but seriously who has the time or imagination for that? First of all I must say that I have what it feels like three boyfriends and two of the three are letting me down! Before he gets all worried and calls me the actual boyfriend is safe in the disappointed category. My second boy friend is my car "Schven". Schven was hit by a crazy drunk man and almost got given to the dump but thankfully he is a trooper and his love for me pulled out of being used for parts and after thirty days of waiting and separation I was able to put my toes to his peddle and drive off into the sunset. Sound like everything is fine? Well it's not. I think Schven is mad that I didn't come ad visit him at the body shop or something because he keeps "Over heating". I say this in an annoyed tone because he is faking! I mean seriously how old are we that we have to feel like we have to fake sick Schven? I keep taking you in and having to miss work to do it and the mechanics think I am nuts because just like magic the thermostat is at a perfect degree when they drive it, but when I drive it, it's way up in the red. Maybe I should stop complaining I mean obviously my car finds me attractive and it gets just really hot and turned on when I'm touching the steering wheel. So my second let downer is the freaking weather! I mean here I am all depressed missing the sun all winter and it finally comes out to play and then ditches me! Seriously I feel like I am have Deja Vu' to past relationships where the guy says he's going to call at three so you wait around all afternoon and when he finally calls it is three am and his excuse is that it was my fault for assuming he meant three pm. I would really appreciate it if these two would stop with the act and either tinkle or get off the potty! Note for discussion since the weather if technically mother nature does that make me 1/4 lesbian?

So on a better note I have purchased something that I doubt can be beat by any other object anytime int he near future or ever. While recently in Las Vegas I purchased a real Louis Vuitton Speedy! I love it and since I don't have rent I figured I could spend that saved up money on one without any harm. The only problem is that with all the fake ones being passed of as real whenever some sees it they always ask if I got it from a vendor in New York. Oh well at least my Credit Card and myself no it is from the actual store in Caesars. I do however now have to sit in my below the boulevard home and look up at Dan's and wish that I too could afford an organic tomato from Dan's but I blew that opportunity with the purchase of my Louis.

The Year In Review 2007!

So it is the end of yet another year and this one flew by so fast for me! In my eyes it is really good that it flew by seeing as this was ot the best year I've had to date. I'm not complaining at all my life thus far has been pretty awsome. I've lived a pretty cushy life and have had good trials that I've learned and grown from and none that were to painful even. My life however I have discovered is really boring considering how busy it seems to be. So being that is I will be mixing my year in review with some celebrity news to make mine seem better.

My year started off with a "disapointment" I quote this because I got to move back to Salt Lake because of it! I finally was able to get the hell out of utah Valley which it was about time! So I would say my high point of the year was that I got to move back home! i got a new job at a law firm which always sounds more exciting then "I waitress at..". I got a promotion at my new job and took my bosses job that I wasn't even qualified for but I learned and proved myself to get it. I had an awsome halloween costume this year and it was so good that I won a trip to Vegas in it! Another reason to be greatful for my boobs I suppose. I met someone fantastic which is always a plus to life! I got yet another job as a Kareoke DJ Wednesday nights at the Canyon Inn which is a crazy fun time. I finally became the owner of an IPOD thanks to the boy and I finally gave into the Vampire books and I love them! But really my highlight would have to be my horse that I bought in January! His name is Simon and he is my lover!

Like I said not to much going on so I'd like to thank the following people for giving me an exciting year.

1. Britney Spears- thank you for shaving your head and being an unfit mother. Thank you for making my driving record look really good, making me feel like even I could perform at the VMA'S.

2. Jamie Lynn Spears- thank you for taking one for the team and getteing pregnant at 16 so I don't ahve to see your sister on the tabloids this week.

3. Spice Girls- I'll tell you what I want what I really really want is to thank you sisters for reuniting. I've never wanted to reform my Spice Girls club so badly!

4. Jessica Simpson- Thank you for making me feel like a really good actress and making my relationships extremly stable.

5. Posh & Becks- thank you for coming to the U.S and sharing some of Britans royal family with us Americans.

6. Hannah Montana & High School Musical- Thank you for giving the teenie boppers something to obcess over besidesw myself.

7. The Hills- Thank you LC for having a really interesting life so I can forget that my life is so not as cool as yours.

Now for my list of best Television 2007-

The Office

The Amazing Race

The Hills

Shot at Love with Tila Tequila

Desperate HouseWives

Scrubs

Greys Anatomy

CSI: Miami

Shark

House

Las Vegas

Best Movies 2007-

Waitress

Hairspray

Across the Universe

Sweeny Todd the demond barber of fleet street

Enchanted

Alpha Dog

Smokin Aces

Breach

300

Live Free or Die Hard

Disturbia

Hot Fuzz

Knocked Up

Super Bad

3:10 to Yuma

Lars and the Real Girl

Dan in Real Life

August Rush

So I guess all in all it was a good year lets see what 2008 will bring to the table.

Pass(literally) the Turkey?

All right so I fear this is going to turn into an "Anne on her high horse", "grind my gears" blog but I have no choice because this is a matter far more important then any school vouture form you can through at the feet of the justice system! So there I was driving in my car relaxing to a little FM 100 getting my butt heated by my fancy seats, when I decided to change the channel to see what Kosy 106.5 was playing(yes I do listen to old lady stations) and that is when I almost swerved into a semi truck for the atrocity that was coming out of my speakers. Now first of all I have nothing against The Little Drummer Boy, however I have not even made a dent in this years Halloween candy and have even started basting the turkey for Thanksgiving and stores and radio stations are already getting into the Christmas Spirit! This has caused me to wonder what would happen if we were this lax in skipping over other holidays?

New Years- If we skipped straight to Valentines day would any of us remember to change the date on the checks we are writing? On a high note though maybe the men in our lives would actually remember to buy us presents because they had more time to do so...... That's funny.

Valentines- What would happen to our Valentines boxes we make at school so we can find out if jimmy checks yes or no on my "do you have a crush on me?" care bears Valentine card? The high point of this though would be all the Valentine less people of the world wouldn't have to wallow in self pity and pop Prozac when they realize another years has come and gone without finding their eternal companion.

St. Patricks day- I honestly can't think of anything witty to say about skipping this one. A. I don't enjoy being pinched all day and B. I really don't like the color green to bad it looks fantastic on me (as do most colors)

Easter- This one is easy. Jesus would be offended and when he's offended bad things happen. Maybe if we skipped it he would get angry and burn Provo to the ground? If only I could be so lucky!

June 27- Hello it's my birthday which is the best holiday of the whole freaking year because it celebrates yours truly I don't think I have to worry because I am loved by all that's just crazy talk thinking someone would forget me.

Fourth of July- Wyoming might go bankrupt because without us Utahans going up to purchase illegal fireworks the states number one industry would go under. Wait what is so important about Wyoming anyway?

Halloween- If we skip Halloween kids will lose their imaginations and then Christmas will die because no one will believe in Santa anymore.

If you are retarded and only care about Christmas then fine go ahead and play your stupid Christmas music all year round but remember Jesus wont be happy about it.

On The Down Low...

Alright so I was recently reading an article from the bible (a.k.a Cosmopolitan) and I stumbled over a little ditty in the Man Manual about the dirty little secrets men keep. This sparked my fancy because I thought that woman were the only ones who kept secrets not the other way around! I'm glad to say that even after reading this article woman still have better secret single lives then men do. Man secrets are like the secrets us woman were telling on the playground in preschool. I think its about time that men realize that they will never be able to "one-up" a woman.

So the first confession just proves even further that men truly are big sicks, which is no surprise because we've known it all along. Dwesil* who's name has been changed for this blog confessed that men really do Masturbate (yes Layne I am laughing even writing that word) a lot. The whole article talks about how it is pk that men do this because it is a stress reliever. C'MON
BOYS. Have you ever heard of going for a run? There are much more tasteful ways to relax that are wholesome and a lot less messy. I wish this secret would have remained a secret. But I guess that is what I get for buying a magazine that some grocery stores hide behind the plastic like a Play Boy.

Second confession- Guys Like Chick Flicks. I am so happy to hear this because I have been gutting through horror movies that make me not be able to sleep at night all for a date who turns out would have been more then happy with watching Pretty in Pink. My co-worker Juan*(changed for the blog) said, " Chick flicks are funny and enjoyable, but really the movies we enjoy are hidden chick flicks. These movies have beer , swearing, and boobs in the, yet at the end there is still a happy ending so everyone winds up satisfied. This confession made me mad at boys I have dated in the past who have made me sit through the bloody violent scary movie at the movie theater because they didn't want to go see the latest Kate Hudson, or Matthew McConaughey flick. Jerks.

Confession number three- Men are stalkers. I don't know which male decided that this would be a good idea to admit to but he was a moron. So ladies we have to be even more sneaky cause it turns out men google,mspace,facebook us. Benny* says that they do this so they can take us out on good dates and find out our likes and dislikes, but this is still CREEPY! Whatever happened to asking a girl whether she prefers daisies to roses? I think this is really to get the dirt on us and spy. Now we are really on to you men!

Last confession- Men have fat days. So I guess that every once in awhile men feel fat and bloated and have low self esteem about there looks. I believe this could be true however I see a lot of ill fitting clothes on men. And last time I asked I checked no man will give up wearing shorts because he has bad legs. Also when I go to the water park I see a lot more girls with towels and t-shirts covering there pooch then men who to me seem to let it all hang out.

I hope to never see an aticle like this against woman in Men's Health. Unfortunatly for men it would take alot bigger article then a one page spread to tap into the female mind and figure out what she is thinking. I have been a girl for 21 years now and I still have no idea what the deall with woman is. So good luck.

Boys Please!

So not to toot my own horn but BEEP BEEP! Before I dive into the subject of this blog I must say that you are reading the blog of Employee of the Month at PB&L law firm. You should feel special for reading the blog of the recipient of a special P1 parking spot, fifty dollars cash, free lunch, and my personal favorite, an awesome employee of the month plaque that will hang at my desk no matter how successful I get. Even though I already have these great prizes for my brown nosing skills I would still love to hear a congratulations or more from anyone who calls themselves my friend.

So now onto the actual blog. You will all think I am totally bragging about my life but hey everyone deserves to brag everyonce in awhile. My bragging right of the week is that I just bought a new car! Before I tell you about my "Schven" as I call him I must start out by saying that I am not a lesbian. I am in fact straight as an arrow. I say this because my new car is a Subaru OutBack, which I have learned is the Lesbian car of America after some tennis player came out of the closet and the only sponsor that remained true to her was Subaru, causing all the lesbians of the world to go out and buy outbacks to support their gay rights. I have absolutely nothing against the homosexuals of the world in fact most of my best friends are gay men and I like to think that I am in fact a gay man in a woman's body. However my concern now is how on earth I am going to land a date if those I come in contact with judge me by my car and start trying to hook me up with their great independent lady friends! So those of you reading this blog please start to inform the world of my sexual status and let them know that I love my car no matter how it makes me look I think it is great and I chose it for a reason! Besides I find Subies to be very cute reliable little cars, not so much butch.

So now I will tell you about "Schven". He is a 2000 white Subaru outback 5 speed, with two sun roofs, six cd changer, heated leather seats, and all wheel drive. I named him "Schven" because he seems like an outdoorsy Icelandic man to me. My last car was a red sports car but had lots of miles so I named her Blanche in honor fo Blanche from the Golden Girls, and before Blanche I had a 4-runner named Mcswiggen, I don't really know how he received that name. "Schven" and I are going to doing such things as ice fishing and rock climbing together just because I feel as if I woe it to him for beings such a good little Japanese import.

In Lieu of Flowers

Well this is tough for me to say but I suppose the best way is to not stall any longer and just tell you the good or bad news depending on your view point... I am dying. I am sure this is tough news for everyone to handle and let me tell you it was quite the shock to me as well, however I have come to grips with my fate and I am okay with it. Please don't think you have to treat me any differently then you already do. Also please no questions about how I feel about death, I just want to enjoy my final time on earth without the memory of my impending doom.

I am sure that you are wondering what I am dying from. I have West Nile. You see the other day I was letting one of God's creatures have a little Bloody Mary from my arm. I figured letting him quench his thirst would only cause me a little itchy discomfort. If only I would have known what a fatal decision that would turn out to be. I have had a headache as big as Kanye West's ego for about four days now, which I just assumed was based on caffeine or lack of circulation. But this morning an article on KSL rocked my world.

"West Nile confirmed cases rises by five today." Just out of curiosity I wondered what the symptoms of West Nile were. I figured being well informed on random information could never hurt if I were to happen to appear on Jeopardy sometime in my life. I mean come on would like to be embarrassed in front of Alex? The symptoms made my blood run cold

1. Headaches

2. Tiredness

3. Soar muscles

4. Fever

5. Paralysis

So here I am reading this with a headache that is going on day four! Today I totally could not get out of bed. And you guessed it my muscles are so sore that I don't believe a Swedish 300lbs. masseuse could fix me. I just asked my co-worker and she says I definitely look and feel like I have a fever of 102. Any second now I am expecting to drop to the floor completely unable to move my limbs.

Like I said before though don't worry about me. I am feeling only slight discomfort. I would now like to bid thee all farewell. To make funeral arrangements easier on my mother I would like to be either buried in a pine box or cremated and spread in the woods so I can give back to nature. Also no need to worry about my money, ironically today my employer had me fill out my life insurance policy. I have also composed my own obituary again to make it easier on my family, giving them another thing off their funeral list. Really all that is needed now is someone to bring the funeral potatoes.

ANNE MANGUM

(insert photo of choice)*

Anne Mangum passed away on mm/dd/yyyy from the awful disease, West Nile. She was adamant on letting the people of Utah know how she died so they may be less laid back about the disease and protect themselves better. Anne was a brilliant young woman who enjoyed such things as sun bathing on the lawn and picking daisies in the mountains. She was often caught singing in her car into an imaginary microphone or whistling a merry tune as she walked. She enjoyed eating Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and McDonald's 99 cent ice cream. Anne was survived by -(enter who would like to be mentioned for there ten minutes of fame here) Funeral services will be held- ( enter information) In lieu of flowers we ask all mourners to wear and bring insect repellent to be sprayed at the end of the services.

*(please only a good one from the chest up I would like to be remembered without a muffin top)

"You are very nice, now here is your ticket."

Alright, so yesterday I am driving down Wasatch Blvd right around Pepper Wood street in Sandy. For those of you who have ever been up there you know about the HUGE white house up on the bench that looks like Daddy Warbucks lives there. Anyway here I am driving along and I notice a Police car sitting in the parking lot of a church. I instinctively applied my breaks and looked down at my speedometer. To my relief I had been cruising at a smooth 39 miles an hour. As I pass by him I notice his lights turn on and the car begin to pull out. "Ha," I thought, " Some poor law breaker is about to get owned!" Well turns out that criminal was me. "Are my plates expired or something?' I could not honestly think of why I was getting pulled over, maybe there was a car that looked like mine that had some kind of warrant out for it. I mean really I wasn't going to fast. Fast foward to the cop and my conversation.

" Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"
(First of all do I look old enough to be called Ma'am?)

"No Sir I do not."

" Ma'am are you aware of the speed limit on this road?"
(There he goes calling me that again. I quickly glance in my mirror for wrinkles)

" Yes, the speed limit is 35mph."

" Do you know how fast you were going when I pulled you over Ma'am."
(Freak give me whatever ticket you want just stop calling me that!)

" Why I believe I was going about 38-39mph."

" Actually you were going 40mph"

" Was I? Well thank you for bringing that to my attention."

" Ma'am I must say you are a very nice person."
( If I'm in fact so nice why do you keep punishing me?)

" Well thank you very much officer."

" It is refreshing to pull over someone who doesn't fight or cry to get out of trouble."

" Well if I was in fact breaking the law then there is no reason to try and argue my way out."

" If you wouldn't mind me seeing your license we can get you on your way shortly, hang tight."


He walks back to his car and I think, " I am for sure not getting a ticket, he thought I was nice and might I add refreshing."


" Alright Ma'am if you will just sign here stating that you agree to call the court and pay your
fine we can send you on your way."


Can you really believe that guy! He gives me a ticket for going five over after complimenting me! I mean seriously did he not read my blog on my celebrity status? I have I already so quickly fallen to the "C" list? Was I not showing enough cleavage? This is a downer on my confidence, I mean I know men who get out of tickets. Maybe that is it... Cops are playing for the opposite team ( if you get what I'm saying) or maybe it is and example thing. Paris Hilton had to got to jail for a month so her fans wouldn't think that just because your beautiful and famous you can get away with breaking the law. Maybe this guy really did know who I was and felt the need to make an example of me for the good of my teeny bopper fan club. In that case he could have just said so, if not for any other reason then staying of the hit list that is my blog. Let's hope that he is not just an over active "new guy" trying to fill his quota for the day. I f so may God have mercy on his soul.