Calling All Cardigans

There is the saying that looks can be decieving and I am here to say that infact they are. I am going to use the example of myself for this blog. Now if I were not terrified of rapists, internet stalkers and other forms of scary bad men I would put a picture of myself to help with my point in this blog. So picture a blonde 21 year old girl. ( I guess I could gloat and tell you how gorgeous and tall and lean I am with a good figure and striking features with thick full hair and smokey grey eyes with totally kissable lips, but I am not looking for that kind of publicicty at the moment. Hence another reason that my picture is not up on any of my blogs) Back to the issue at hand, the other night I was out with my man freind playing a rousing game of Dominoes with his forty year old brother and sister. My man friend is 27 and like I said I am 21. (I'm thinking we need to be on a pop culture team because we span 20 years of great entertainment history) So this game of Dominoes was the true virsion not the Mexican Chicken foot way that I believe was invented to turn possible adoring Dominoes fans against the game. Around the fourth round of team Harold against the Oldies I relized that I am a grandma trapped in a 1986'rs body! I mean here I am sitting in my designer jeans and shoes playing Dominoes and I realize that this is all wrong! With the way I enjoy things like Dominoes, Bingo, Prune Juice, Knitting, Water Aerobics, Sunday Specials at IHOP, Watching the Golden Girls, Lazy Boy Recliners, Reading the Obituaries, Orange Lipstick, AMC Television, Walking Up Hill Both Ways from School, Bridge, Watching the Price is Right, Rice Pudding, and other such activities, I am wearign the wrong clothes! My Nine West pumps need to be traded in for orthopedic penny loafers, Juicy Couture jeans to become highwaist elastic pants, and my Michael Starrs top for you guessed it a cardigan sweater. I must say that I am not ashamed of my identity crisis. In fact realizing you may be 80 is quite the relief! I know longer have to worry about choosing the wrong man to spend the rest of my life with because whom ever I choose should be pushing up daisies fairly soon. Also I am old enough to legally be "ok" being a little bit crazy. Everyone expects old people to have lost their lid and say outlandish things, like telling teenage girls exactly how you feel about there "floosie ways of dressing". Now the question falls of, " How do I make my outer appearance match that of my soul?" The clothes I suppose is a good start but not near good enough. I will have to bask in the bulbs of tanning bed heaven for that perfect leather skin, paint my eye brows on in an odd shade of blue, and get my hair washed and permed once a week. Do not be alarmed when you see me selling something on QVC, I am just accepting the fact that I am the way I am. Who knows maybe I will even change my name to Maude.

THANK YOU SANDRA

So to look at the face of this woman you would think she is harmless. Well my dear friends in particular men who are reading this, this woman may just be your worste enemy. Sandra Brown is a New York Times best selling author of thrillers and romance novels. I am going to be discussing the romance novels.



Sandra writes the kind of novel that is racey enough that you really don't want your mother to know that you are reading. There has been more then one occasion while reading Sandra Brown "sexy party" scenes where I find my covers off, the windows being opened and finally resulting in a cold shower just to cool my jets! I am not here to talk sex unfortunatly. (nottoday atleast)



What men should fear is that this red haired lady is totally ruining their game with the ladies! You see the characters in Sandra's novels are full of scared timid yet strong women, that find themselves fighting hard not to fall for beautiful looking men. It is not the mens described looks that is the bad part. The men in these novels pursue the women they love. From the moment they see the woman that they are attracted to they do not give up until the ice queens hearts have melted and they have them in bed! (do keep in mind they are looking for more then sex however) In my brief time back on the dating market I have found that men are complete girls! They expect you to pursue them if you desire them in anyway, the expect you to make the first move when it comes to anything physical, while they just seem to turn off and stare at the screen of the television. This whole "is he or isn't he into me" mind game is enough to make me glad I am not attached and hope I never have to be again. I left high school four years ago and that is also where I left the "do you like me? circle yes or no" notes. Thanks to Sandra Brown I now have the desire to wait for a guy who truely is interested in me to come along. I figure if they are intersested they will make the moves and not want to put me through the hell that is the mind games and drama! Plus after ten chapters of supressing their desire they make "whoopie" that makes the reader sweat! I mean who wouldn't wait just for the perk of that?

So to all the men out there I would strongly suggest picking up your game. If you need some help go to the local Barnes & Noble and pick up a sandra Brown novel to find out what us women want in a man. I would hurry before more women discover her and your chances are shot to hell!

My loverly lady lumps

So I had a recent discovery the other day as I was strolling through the packed isles of the Nordstrom Rack. Through the sound of screaming children and the hustle of crazed woman trying to find those "instant tummy tuck jeans" I saw them like a beacon from the skies above..... Could I be imagining this? TRUE RELIGION JEANS? I raced to the fitting room and yes my dear friends they fit perfectly! How could I afford not to by them?

The next day I slipped into those beautiful things from heaven and noticed the very thing I am blogging about today. Donny may be a little bit rock and roll and Marie may be a little bit country, but I was a little bit gangsta! The evidence of this lies in the wise words of Stacy "Fergie" Ferguson in the smooth lyrics of "My Humps". I will now break down a line from this song to fully explain what I am trying to get across. " Seven Jeans, True Religion I say no, but they keep giving." To the untrained ear you may think this is a pimp supplying his woman with nice jeans, however now being the proud owner of both Seven Jeans and now True Religion jeans I know what Fergie means. You see though having pants I do not have what the call on the streets a, "Sugar Daddy" topurchase me designer duds. I do believe that these lyrics are meaning your bum. Yes Your bum keeps "giving" an amazing performance in these expensive jeans! There is no pimp here my dear people! I already can feel my curves becoming curvier and my walk having a little more of a dip in it! Before I know it I'll have to start wearing pimp chains and saying things like, "Oh no you better don't!" while snapping my fingers across my body. If you don't recognize me on the street in passing anymore don't feel bad. Just blame it on myTrue Religion jeans.

So now that I have found this discovery do you think I can get away with calling my self "Fergalicious"?